COLUMBUS, OH -
 Following Zach Boren's successful transition from fullback to linebacker during his senior football season, Ohio State has decided to fill the weakened position of 'biology professor' with the fullback turned linebacker turned teaching professional, sources confirmed Monday. The move was made in response to Boren's expired NCAA eligibility.

"We needed a biology professor, so we just thought, why not Zach? He's not doing anything else right?" explained the head of OSU's college of arts and sciences.

While Boren is believed to have no teaching or biology experience, he is expected to fill the role well due to his renowned work ethic and hustle. "I didn't even take biology in high school," remarked Boren on the decision. "I should be fine though."