Commentary: The Union Scare Totally Wasn't A Threat, Guys
By: E. Gordon Gee
Some of you are still irritated about not receiving a threat alert about the non-threat at the union yesterday. Well, I'm here to explain, because clarifying why a non-threat was not a threat makes it even more of a non-threat.
Asks yourselves this: would a real threat require police blockades to close roads, an evacuation of a large facility, bus reroutes, and the intervention of the Columbus bomb squad? Yes. But sometimes non-threats require these too. Did we know that the non-threat was not a threat the whole time? Not at all. We thought it was a highly dangerous explosive device. But it wasn't! Therefore, non-threat. If it were a threat, it would have been a bomb. And if it had been, once we found out it was a bomb we would have covered up that information entirely!
Now I know what you're thinking: we already covered up the bomb as being not a bomb. No! That's not true at all. Stop thinking so much! But if you're still worried about the lack of an emergency alert, just know that next time someone posts anything online containing the words "Ohio State" and "cafeteria," you will get your alert. Thank you, and go Bucks!