Freshman Who Snuck Alcohol Into Dorm Now Lord Of Entire Floor
COLUMBUS, OH - Following his successful cornering of the alcohol trade on the 5th floor of Morrison tower, freshman Keith Timmons has reportedly established lordship over the entire region between floors 4 and 6.
"We have guards who we're paying in alcohol, distributors, who we're paying in alcohol. I'm being paid in alcohol," said John Malone, the spokesman for Timmons' regime. "We've even established a stairway roadblock where we're collecting tolls so we can get more of the sweet stuff," added the clearly intoxicated Malone with an uncontrolled smirk.
According to Morrison 5 locals, Timmons' reign began late this afternoon after Billy Whithers ran out of his supply with no plans of restocking. "[Lord] Timmons stepped in at just the right time with some Bacardi 151, and I guess he's been able to build from there," informed Steven Resnik, former head of security for Whithers and current Timmons customer.
At the time of this report, a line had formed outside Timmons' stronghold, and alcohol was being divvied out from the the cracked-open door by an anonymous hand, with the other hand collecting payment. When The Fake Lantern attempted to reach Timmons, the alcohol lord was unavailable for comment, as he was locked in his room hiding from the RA.