Published on October 4th, 2013 | by The Fake Lantern0
We don’t care about Northwestern, but Northwestern’s excuse for a satire newspaper wrote a stellar piece trolling Ohio State entitled #Get[Expletive]AnOhioState that mostly relied on Wikipedia and politics (for some reason), and we couldn’t ignore it. So read theirs, and then read ours, and then wish that you hadn’t read either.
You’ve noticed, but we’re also excited to watch The Ohio State University shove its nuts in a northwesterly direction directly up your tight, purple-lined colons on national television. Our students won’t need to take a break from studying for midterms because it’s the freakin’ weekend baby, we’re about to have us some fun; seriously what is wrong with you? And you think we want hired? We’re entrepreneurs. We created the Four Loko that led to the craziest night of your life when you pulled an all-nighter studying classical Greek mythology and then almost ordered a pizza with your roommate.
Yes, a massive event known as “Gameday” is coming to your town (to see us), but making fun of Lee Corso is neither offensive to any Buckeye nor funny at all, as he is already a parody. And if you’re going to attempt to ridicule the speech of a former Ohio State quarterback who makes a living off of publicly speaking in front of a camera and a national audience, choosing one who somewhat consistently picks against the Bucks to seem unbiased is fine with us. Also, Erin Andrews? Maybe scroll down ESPN’s Wikipedia page a bit more next time. Samantha Ponder is where it’s at you filthy alley cats.
“When [we] see that televised broadcast”? We’re not going to be watching that broadcast. We’re going to be on the road with the rest of Buckeye Nation’s destructively well-traveling fan base to leave a scarlet stain across all of your parking lots and then later in the day, across all 300 seats in your stadium.
And our message will not be spoken or despicably written as a hashtag. It will simply be the sound of thousands of Buckeyes spelling the name of the state we love. All we know is Ohio State football, but we know it better than anything anyone else knows about anything else.
But you keep talking about the NCAA as if it knows you exist (not to mention the NCAA basketball tourney), and you keep talking about BCS games as if you’ve been to one (pretty cool stat: you’ll never go to one). And of course, chant “S-E-C” like the rabid racists you must be. By all means. “SEC,” if you aren’t familiar, stands for South Eastern Conference. That is the literal 100% opposite of everything that Northwestern stands for. So please, sit down.
“The worst travesty since Kent State?” Kent State was our backup backup backup backup backup school. Nice try there, and good work making fun of our “alums” and their spelling (“alums” is not a word, you hypocritical monstrosity of a fake publication).
We’re not going to pretend to know or care who Taylor Scott or Abraham Campbell are, but we can guarantee they won’t shut down Braxton Miller. Hilarious dig at Boehner though. Keep going back to that policital well you’re sucking out of, but we’re the political center of the universe during elections. Obama loves us more than he does Chicago. Also, good work on your pitiful dig at our running game. Here’s a short lesson: Jordan Hall had one carry during Ohio State’s victory against Wisconsin. Your line backing corps will first have to deal with Carlos Hyde, who drags defenders with him like the hordes of women he disrespects. You’re going to have to deal with Dontre Wilson, whom you haven’t seen nor heard of only because he is too fast to view with the human eye. And then you’re going to have to deal with Hall. And then Rod Smith. And then Warren Ball. And then Ezekiel Elliot as time winds down and we accidentally score our seventh touchdown to match our seven national championships.
Additionally, making fun of Brutus Buckeye is pretty pathetic when your mascot is the statistical median of mascots. Nothing is more average than a wild cat. So eat our buckeyes and die from the poison, stray kitties.
And please – we don’t care about Aaron Hernandez, and neither does Urban Meyer. Urban Meyer cares about winning and only winning. But if you’re going to try to brag about your 2 quarterback system, you must not have heard of Kenny Guiton, who would start over both your running quarterback and your passing quarterback. Our backup has 13 passing touchdowns. Both of your QBs have combined for 7. Thanks for mentioning how many presidents we have, but bashing Tressel hurts no one. Meyer is king now, and all he does is drive to victory. Speaking of roads, the only highway we care about is I-71. Who wants to take a road that leads to the murder capital of the world?
You’re welcome for the readers we gave you, and we hope you enjoy what we have become used to for 17 straight games: a solid Buckeye victory. Even Mark May picked Ohio State, so have a nice weekend.
THE Fake Lantern
Nice picture of Ohio State’s 45-10 victory over the Wildcats in ’08, by the way.