Published on September 30th, 2013 | by The Fake Lantern0
OSU Police To Use New Military Vehicle To Enforce Oval Walk Zone
COLUMBUS, OH - Saying it was the perfect use for the recently acquired armored military vehicle, campus chief of police Paul Denton issued a statement Monday announcing the division’s new MRAP vehicle would be used to enforce the Oval walk zone.
“Yeah, I mean we got the thing because it was awesome, but we didn’t really have a use for it,” said Denton. “Until now, obviously. This is a good use for it.”
When asked for an explanation as to how patrolling a peaceful, grassed area is a “good use” for a desert assault vehicle, the police chief was quick to answer. “Well, this vehicle is designed for war zones. But unfortunately, we don’t have any war zones here.” Denton then continued, “But if you think about it, ‘walk zone’ is only like two letters off from ‘war zone.’ That’s pretty close.”
The chief of police then added an even clearer explanation for the decision to regulate the Oval with the MRAP, citing Ohio State’s public safety campaign as it pertains to bicycles. “Rules are rules. Cyclists need to follow the same laws as say, a car — or a bus — or a three-ton, military-grade, mine-resistant, ambush-protected, armored assault vehicle.”