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Published on August 30th, 2013 | by The Fake Lantern


President Obama To Delay Syria Decision Until After Ohio State Game

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Facing increasing pressure from all sides of the political spectrum in recent days regarding a response to reports of chemical weapons in Syria, President Obama released a statement clarifying his current place in the decision process.

“While this is an extremely pressing international matter, my current plan is to delay taking any action until after the Ohio State game,” said the nation’s most prominent political leader to understanding reporters Friday afternoon. “Although tyranny and the murder of innocent civilians cannot be allowed to continue, it also cannot be allowed to interfere with the American way of life,” continued Obama. “My advisors and I have decided that watching the Buckeyes game with millions of Americans should be higher on the agenda than saving the lives of a few thousand foreigners.”

“Honestly, I’m more interested in Dontre Wilson than Bashar al-Assad right now.” Added last year’s OSU commencement speaker, “I love Ohio State for nonpolitical reasons.” Following a short pause in which he seemed to remember something he had forgotten to say, Obama concluded his statement with a rousing, completely unforced, “O-H!”


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