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Published on August 26th, 2013 | by The Fake Lantern


Longboarder Masterfully Cuts Off Every Person On Sidewalk

COLUMBUS, OH – According to very impressed sources along College Road, a highly skilled longboarder masterfully cut off each and every person on the sidewalk Monday morning.

“[The longboarder] was just weaving in and out of people with surgical precision,” said awe-inspired sophomore Allison Henderson, who nearly had her legs taken out by the fast-moving wooden plank and its rider on her way to class. “He was in complete control. It was awesome.”

While Allison was stunned by the longboarder’s composure and elite maneuverability, there were others who were even more impressed. “Dude, that guy could’ve put me in a hospital,” said junior Matt Hughes, who claimed to have actually felt the longboarder’s backpack brush against him as he passed within millimeters of certain injury. “He wasn’t wearing a helmet though, so he knew what the stakes were. This was a very experienced master at work.”

When reached for comment about his background in the skill, the longboarder cut off a cyclist, then nearly hit a car before yelling back that he had been longboarding for about three weeks now.


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