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Published on August 7th, 2013 | by The Fake Lantern


Advice: Everything Freshmen Need For Their Dorm Rooms

Every year, incoming freshmen are bombarded by sources that range from older siblings to the university itself as to what they should bring for their dorm rooms. Forget everything they say. Here’s a complete list of what you need:

Silverware from the dining hall.

An alarm clock that you can store under your bed as soon as you realize you’re just going to use your phone.

#2 pencil.

Whatever carpet you can find in the unfinished portion of your basement.

New this year: you actually have to provide your own bed.

Hollowed-out copy of your least favorite book because you never know.

A power strip, and then more power strips for each one of its sockets.

Seasons 1-10 of Friends or 1-9 of Seinfeld. Probably Seinfeld.

A pretty big bag.

Hello Kitty bed sheets.

Cookies (can be used to buy friendship).

A couple of backup laptops in case one gets stolen.

Your embarrassing ointment.


Not a vacuum cleaner because your neighbor will have one.

Adhesive wall hooks by 3M. Innovative technology for a changing world. 3M.

Whatever floats your boat.

Ladies: a nice pair of high heels to carry while you’re walking barefoot on High St.

Your family’s worst TV.

The money that hasn’t been laundered yet.

Be sure to pre-order all required and suggested text books at Barnes & Noble before you get here.

You’d think you wouldn’t need nunchucks but you’d be surprised.

2 bottles of shampoo (you’ll use one and your roommate will secretly use the other one).

Whatever else you use in the shower. No need to get creepy about it.

Plenty of floppy disks.

Enough socks and underwear to avoid doing laundry even once.

Pitch Perfect on Blu-ray (Trust us).

The iPad you should never have purchased.

Terrelle Pryor jersey from 2010.

Plenty of lamps — most dorm rooms do not have lights.

A foldable chair to store behind your futon.

Puke towel.

Disgusting amount of snacks.

Hello Kitty trapper keeper.

Bedbug protection kit.

Whatever your worthless roommate refuses to bring.

Dry-erase board with which your neighbors will craft masterfully lewd murals.

Nintendo Wii U.

36 x 24 framed portrait of you as a baby.

Hello Kitty backpack.

Several crates to store all the stuff you shouldn’t have brought.

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